Thursday, November 8, 2007

CrossPollination


hear ye hear ye: without further ado, i present the nov 9 crosspollination guest blogger (a little early, more time to guess). please extend a warm hearty welcome to...mystery guest :)

This post is part A of a two part X-pollination, you may find part B here (if indeed you fancy reading part B)

I choose to, rather unimaginatively, entitle this 'Tears Part I'.

The manner in which my latest IVF cycle has slowly, but with much dramatic flair, gone down the proverbial gurgler finally got to me.
Out of ammunition in the form of perfectly innocent clinic staff to rant and rail at, I was left with only self recrimination.

Last night in the shower, and for the first time in a very long time, I cried.

I let the water run over me and oh how I cried. Truly stood there in my pasty white birthday suit and just balled. Great big gulping sobs, streaming mascara, socially inconvenient nose snot, the works. This was no ladylike small tear of regret, but the kind of heaving sobs that leave you with a hoarse voice, puffy eyes and an unnattractively red nose well into the next day.

I cried for what should have been with my first pregnancy, but for a cruel twist of fate.

I cried for what could have been, if only those embryos that looked so divine on the monitor had ever been given a fair chance by my body.

I cried with the combined grief of painful loss and my own repeated biological failures.

I cried for my husband, who may never be a father.

But mostly, I admit, I just cried for myself.

I cried until the water ran cold, and then, shivering like a wet cat, I cried some more.

Thanks for having me.... guess who I am below and then click the link to find the usual post from this blogger.

5 comments:

Lori said...

I know the answer because I came from there...

These kinds of crying jags are both devastating and also cleansing. I always feel better after I've been through one, and I hope you do, too.

Bea said...

Yes, I clicked through, too.

Sooner or later, there's bound to be a need for tears. I'm glad you had your evening in the shower.

Bea

Yodasmistress said...

Ditto pps. I would have known either way though - that style is unmistakable. (((HUGS)))

MrsSpock said...

Yes, I was a lazy daisy and clicked through too...I spent the majority of this past year crying a lot. I cried on the way to work, on the way home, when I woke up, before I went to bed. It had my husband in worried fits all the time, but it sucks to hold it in. Hope you feel better...

Kami said...

Except for the title - which wasn't enough anyway - I wouldn't have guessed.

I enjoyed seeing a part of you that is rarely revealed in your regular posts. Well, "enjoyed" might not be the right word because it is so sad. Those times to let go and cry are healing, imo. It is sad and painful and there is just so little we can do about it.