Tuesday, November 20, 2007

'at least you can get pregnant'

a few of my imaginary inside the computer friends said this to me today on a message board i frequent.

it is really the LAST thing i want to hear considering i'm a g3p0 if you count the chems and a g1p0 otherwise...and all that with a ton of effort.

do you think i should say something, nicely but politely, to the effect of 'well, yes, but i rather need to be able to STAY pregnant too, nu?'...or do you think i should let it go and not say anything about it. i know the people who wrote it meant no offense and were trying to be helpful. but, ugh.


Meghan said...

First, I'm so so SO sorry about the chemical. That just sucks.

And I'm also sorry that someone made such insensitive comments. What I've been telling people is that I don't want to be pregnant, I want a baby...pregnancy is just the way I'm choosing to get that baby right now. More of a means to an end

Sarah said...

I'm delurking here (big fan by the way) but, yes, I would say something. A comment like that basically denies you any feelings you've been having. It's akin to something like "My other died today," and someone saying "well, at least you had a mother."

BTW, I'm sorry for all that you've been going through. Though it's no consolation, I remember after my son was born thinking how painful infertility would be and that after all of the mess of infertility, people often had to go through what I went through (I believe you left some comments on my care page at one time.)

Again, it probably means little, but I think about you every day and check your blog and I do send preggy vibes to you.

dmarie said...

Tough q. I'd probably say something in polite way.

deanna said...

I'm so sorry this cycle didn't end well.

I have seen people post that same message to other women suffering through losses, and I always HATED it. Even though I've never been pregnant, I've never understood that comment. It's such a bitter thing to say, and so hurtful because it falsely diminishes the pain of loss.

I wish I had a suggestion for how you could respond, but I've never seen responses go well. (ie: the discussions always turn into a debate as to whose pain is greater.....) Such a shame.....

DD said...

Maybe I would mention you found this site helpul and they will recognize what they said to you as not helpful in the least.

I've been pregnant 6 times, and if someone ever said that to my face, I'd break their nose. It's no different than saying, "well at least you have a child," like that somehow makes the miscarriages less painful or insignificant.

DD said...

Crap. Forgot the link:


Chili said...

That definitely calls for a response, IMNSHO. Maybe they'll think before they type next time if you give them a little nudge in that direction.

LJ said...

I'd say something, but then again, I am a snarky bitch.

So sorry about this cycle. Up for drinks Monday, you can vent to your heart's content!!

Heather said...

If it hurts you, you should say something.

And, it sucks either way. I can't imagine the joy of finding out I was pregnant and then not end up with a baby...but I'm not sure we should even try to compare the two. Both situations suck. It is all painful and horrible and I wish none of us had to deal with it.

Don't let them try to make your feelings less valid. They are completely valid.

Geohde said...

Not helpful.

I'm totally hoplessly infertile but managed to get randomly pregnant once and have the baby want to stick for the duration, only to find out that I didn't agree with that plan since birth would have = death.

Any prick that says 'at least you got pregnant once' to me gets a lecture on random luck and the misery of knowing a dead baby may be my only ever baby.

This is a long winded way of saying that I'm sorry, LeeBee.



In and Out of Luck said...

I don't know what message board that is but I have found a huge difference between the TTC boards and the blogosphere. I'm sorry you got a comment like that.

Lori said...

Had there been message boards in the country I was living in while I was TTC, I might have though the same thing as your insensitive poster (but I wouldn't have actually posted it).

I've grown since then (I would hope), to where I don't try to compare and weigh pain. The bearer is the final arbiter, but of only one side.

That's a long way of my saying that this posters must be really hurting, too. Not to excuse their insensitivity, but to possibly explain it.

I'm sorry about the way this cycle has turned out, Lea Bea.

I would say nothing TO them, but I might try to muster a prayer FOR them. Well, let me clarify. The GOOD me would, but the REAL me might not be able to.

It's just so hard.

infertility just sucks said...

There's no scorekeeping like that with IF. I ovulate regularly but can't get one to stick. Other women don't have an issue achieving pregnancy but have suffered repeated losses. There are so many reasons that so many of us aren't parents yet.

The thing to keep in mind is that it doesn't matter what the cause is- we all just want children at the end. Too bad she can't see that and offer support.

SaraS-P said...

Um... yeah. Getting pregnant really isn't the same without a take-home baby.

Anonymous said...

hey, Laura <3

I think, perhaps (I'm not trying to defend, you know me ;) ), that people wanted to make you feel better. I think they meant: you are able to get pregnant; that is a good first step, let's build on that. not that it makes things any better, or easier, just saying...

anyway, I <3 & miss talking to you. are you doing ?itm?