Monday, October 29, 2007

really not how i planned it

subtitle: feeling sorry for myself

i had my follow up appointment this morning with yet another provider that i'd never met before. she seemed ok/knowledgeable. so, this is my 5th clomid cycle, 4th clomid + IUI cyle. they might push it to 7 clomid cycles to have 6 clomid + IUI, but they are also willing to move forward with me and start an IVF cycle in january. the way the clinic works, they do 4 ivf cycles/yr; jan, apr, july, oct.

i feel really sad. :( i don't know what i expected. of course IVF is the next step, what else could we do? i suggested IUI + gonadotropins but the value is probably minimal since i am (mostly) ovulating with the clomid.

on the good side: the cycle in january is the next possible cycle. there's barely any waiting or downtime from now (end of oct). the cost is about 1/4 what it would be if i wasn't in the military health care system. once you move on to IVF you work with a smaller cadre of people, i might actually see these guys more than once.

the bad: i *never* thought i'd be getting IVF. :(. i'm supposed to be doing a rotation in ore.gon in january and i'd have to cancel it (of course it's already set up etc etc etc). or i could go in january and push back the IVF to april. but that has it's own set of problems. i am on scholarship at school, but i have to pay them back by working full time after i graduate. i have a little leeway after graduation, but not alot. if i pushed back the cycle to apr and it were successful, basically i'd start somewhere, work there for 6 wks, and then go immediately on maternity leave. there are worse things, but that sucks also...and interviewing while visibly knocked up probably isn't going to work as well for me as otherwise.

there is a strong part of me right now that just wants to go f*ck it and not do anything. if i get pregnant i do, otherwise i live a happy child-free life full of free time, extra money, the ability to go clothes shopping without spending hours making arrangements first, i can sleep for more than 3 hrs at a stretch. there's an equally strong part of me that wants to go forward with IVF because i know what a unique position i'm in regarding having any of it covered by insurance at all. what will i think of myself now if i let it go and find myself paying 25K for ivf 2 yrs forward?

it's just too much to think about. i'm depressed and don't care.

Friday, October 19, 2007

what the...

for some reason google directed this searcher to my blog: dildo ascending colon. i have no idea why. and, dear confused google reader, if you *do* have a dildo in your ascending colon, you need a rather major surgery. so put down teh internets and get thee to a hospital, toot sweet. try not to stop for any snacks on the way.

(sadly, someone also found my site using 'men and grief' which does make sense)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

the quiet before the redcoat invasion

relevant stats: 13dpo
bfn with urine test sensitive to 25mIU hCG
temp drop -0.6

i had a bea-u-tiful chart this month complete with i-spotting and everything. there's a lesson in there somewhere...irony? irrelevance of good looking data? need to spend 2ww intoxicated?

i think as long as my mom doesn't mention 'god's will' at brunch on sunday i'll be ok.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

frer=2 ute=0 hope=-1 (update with question)

i guess it could turn around from today's bfn (12dpo), but it's looking less likely for the home team.

update 1040a: here's my question for you guys. assuming the spotting i had late sun night was implantation related (HA!!! i know, funny, but bear with me for a minute...) i got a bfn today 4 days later. it seems to me even if i do get a bfp in a few days, it's kind of a bad sign. if the placenta/attachment were doing well, i'd have my bfp by shouldn't take me 4 days to make hcg if something actually attached. or am i confused (quite likely!). any thoughts?

Monday, October 15, 2007

frer=1; ute=0 10dpo

try again tomorrow, thanks for playing.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

bad information/rant/updated with bad news

ok, here is a rant, i know it's a rant. it is also not IF related, so feel free to skip.

there is so much BAD BAD information about vaxes out there. some crackpot writes some conspiracy theory $hit about government and big pharma trying to poison babies for profit, puts it on his web and viola! the idiots applaud his crack stab at entrenched interests. it is absolutely exhausting to try and fight against it. if you aren't restricted up by "facts" you can make on hell of an argument about how unsafe everything is and this one causes autism and that one causes f+ck all. meanwhile, science is not blameless in's hard to argue against propaganda with 'current evidence does not support the hypothesis that x causes y, but research is ongoing.' yea, real convincing there.

i don't know why i care. it's not MY children, and it will never be my children (if i am lucky enough to ever have/raise children). if others want to take such risks with their children, than so be it. it's just infuriating to see such drivel put out as fact, and then to see other people just swallow it as fact. can ANYONE look beyond emotional rhetoric anymore?

and...i am going to FAIL my test on tuesday...i need to put teh internets DOWN and step away...

and, as of right now, i'm spotting. fuck. guess i'm going to fail my test tomorrow morning too.

'risk taking' and the 2ww

all the different ways the 2ww tries our souls. yesterday i ran my a$$ off playing ultimate. it was a great game too, my team really needed me, and i ended up catching the game-winning point :). but should people in the 2ww exert themselves so strenuously? it's all a huge mindf*ck, because, potentially, i could be in the 2ww at least half of the time for the next long while. should i give up my life and sit at home for what could be? should i really give up half of my games? on the other hand, do i risk possibly a bad outcome by running so much? my hr was probably in the neighborhood of 4,000bpm which is well over the recommended < 150bpm. additionally, as i was chasing plastic discs all over the rocky bumpy field that is anac*stia, i thought this about the potential life in my womb: 'if you are trying to implant NOW, good luck little sucker!' i rationalized this way: women have been getting pregnant for eons, and most of them did not sit on their heinies waiting on devil sticks to turn their way. they just lived their life, and got/stayed pregnant anyway. the proof is that we're all here, and only recently has leisure been an option for the vast majority of women. on the other hand, maybe women like me would not have gotten pregnant in the good old days. it comes down to this: do i blame myself more for sitting at home not playing and then getting a bfn, or play my a$$ off and risk a bfn that might have otherwise potentially be a bfp? i decided to play anyway, because i know that when the time comes, there's plenty of blame to go around.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

phantom symptoms

here i am at 8dpiui/8dpo (pretty please) making pretend that i have pregnancy symptoms. that's right...i just imagined i felt nauseous. yet i haven't allowed myself to pee on anything for fear that even if there were some hcg in my system, it would still be too negligible to register on a devil stick. i call that having my cake and eating it too. on the one hand, the hcg is making me nauseous. on the other hand, not enough hcg in the system to set off a stick. heh. not likely!

at least i know the insanity is all mine :)

Thursday, October 11, 2007


i'm TIRED. if i have any 2ww symptoms, it's that. on the other hand, tired is kind of a general condition for me; it'd be nice if i only felt tired 2 wks in 4. would it be wrong of me to go to bed tonight at 9pm? i know it'd be lame, but oh well. i've begun the paper i have to write and i've got a few tests next week. ugh.

one of my clincals right now is in an adult ER. i'm not actually participating in the care of my patients. i go in and get a history and do a physical completely for my own benefit, and because i'm required to do so to pass my class. i guess the school would argue a benefit is having a second set of eyes/ears on board to make sure nothing is missed etc, which is true i guess. i just feel bad sometimes poking at sick people for what is probably nominal gain to them.

Monday, October 8, 2007

this picture is from saturday's tournament. we are all lined up at the endzone to start the point and we lift our hands to show we are ready to recieve the disc. since it's a 'drink in hand point' we all raise our drinking hand to show we are holding a beverage, and the beverage must stay in hand throughout the entire point. all my teammates held up yinglings, but not me because i find that running + beer = vomit. so i had the vitamin water, the only non alcoholic drink to be seen on either side of the field.

speaking of vomit, i title this picture 'rod contemplates the beer smoothie.'

today i have to go do my rotation at the hospital, which i don't want to do, and i have to start my paper this week which i REALLY don't want to do. also, cl left for sc today which makes me sad :(. i would like to go back to bed and wake up when there are fewer unpleasant tasks waiting for my attention.

3 days into the 12day wait. anyone want to hear about phantom symptoms? meh, me either.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

cervically challenged

i think i must be one of the only people to have her cervix basically sitting on her descending colon. i always say before the speculuum 'my cervix is very posterior' and then i always get a suprised 'WOW your cervix really IS posterior' after several uncomfortable minutes of poking around. just why my anatomy should be this way, i don't know but it is a literal pain in the butt.

the doc i saw yesterday was really a nice guy, very kind. (does a male gyno seem weird to anyone else? are they very into women's health? i don't know that many female urologists). he was very methodical and thorough throughout the procedure, and as gentle as he could be. it still hurt through, and caused me to have the runs (lovely) and gave me cramps all day. today i felt much better though and played in an ultimate tournament. it warmed the cackles of my heart to see so much beer drinking on the sidelines. one guy on my team decided to make a beer smoothie (battery operated blender, natch) to save him the time and effort of eating the banana and orange and then having to drinking the beer all seperately. it looked like foamy, chunky regurgitated urine. but he drank it, said it was ok, but typically he likes his beer smoothies with less pulp. ICK.

so, the countdown begins again.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Trigger Timing? (updated 5pm)

So, at Ye Olde Dildo Cam bright and early this morning we found an 18mm (???) and a 14mm on the right, along with a smattering of littles, and a 10mm on the left with the same smattering of too-smalls. They want me to trigger tonight, and I am quite afeared. I'm only CD13, and i've never triggered this early, or ever ovulated this early. Plus last time, as you may recall, i didn't ovulate with the shot i think in part because it was too early. but they state if i wait until tomorrow night to trigger i might miss the dominant follicle (wither on the vine like overripe fruit?). Here then, are the questions currently on repeat loop on my inner monologue:
--is it silly to trigger with an 18mm?
--is it better to wait until the follicle is a little bigger?
--what if they misjudged the size of the dominant follicle and it's really only a 17?

ugh. ugh i say.

lots of thanks to blogland, esp geohde and LJ. my clinic is a teaching hospital, so the person i saw this am for the dildo cam was a resident, who i will probably never see again. i think they only do one month in "family planning" as it's so euphamistically called, before they go on to bigger and better things in OB-GYN land. the attendings, at least, are there for 6mos. and the NP is on staff, but she's impossible to to get ahold of. anyway, i called the clinic and asked to speak to the attending, spelling out my situation as clearly as i could to the "crisis nurse" (perhaps less euphamistically titled?). talking to the resident wouldn't help, because the resident told me when to trigger based on what the attending told her (confused yet?). now i was clearly not important enough to warrant a return call from the attending, but the crisis nurse called me back and said that SHE had spoken to the attending regarding my situation, and the verdict is: i can trigger tomorrow night if i prefer, if i can have intercourse (HA!) tonight in case i ovulate the 18m early. even though we don't face any known male factor issues, this is not an option with CL 650+ miles away. plus, as geohde explained, you actually can have too ripe follicles in addition to not-ripe enough ones. so, i'm going to take a nap on the theory that naps help boost follicle growth (i made it up but it seems plausible) and trigger tonight. plus, i'm avoiding a paper so it works out that way too.

ps--i forgot to mention yet further proof that fertility gods live for irony: the resident this AM in infertility clinic was, i'm guessing, about 7mos pregnant.