Monday, October 29, 2007

really not how i planned it

subtitle: feeling sorry for myself

i had my follow up appointment this morning with yet another provider that i'd never met before. she seemed ok/knowledgeable. so, this is my 5th clomid cycle, 4th clomid + IUI cyle. they might push it to 7 clomid cycles to have 6 clomid + IUI, but they are also willing to move forward with me and start an IVF cycle in january. the way the clinic works, they do 4 ivf cycles/yr; jan, apr, july, oct.

i feel really sad. :( i don't know what i expected. of course IVF is the next step, what else could we do? i suggested IUI + gonadotropins but the value is probably minimal since i am (mostly) ovulating with the clomid.

on the good side: the cycle in january is the next possible cycle. there's barely any waiting or downtime from now (end of oct). the cost is about 1/4 what it would be if i wasn't in the military health care system. once you move on to IVF you work with a smaller cadre of people, i might actually see these guys more than once.

the bad: i *never* thought i'd be getting IVF. :(. i'm supposed to be doing a rotation in ore.gon in january and i'd have to cancel it (of course it's already set up etc etc etc). or i could go in january and push back the IVF to april. but that has it's own set of problems. i am on scholarship at school, but i have to pay them back by working full time after i graduate. i have a little leeway after graduation, but not alot. if i pushed back the cycle to apr and it were successful, basically i'd start somewhere, work there for 6 wks, and then go immediately on maternity leave. there are worse things, but that sucks also...and interviewing while visibly knocked up probably isn't going to work as well for me as otherwise.

there is a strong part of me right now that just wants to go f*ck it and not do anything. if i get pregnant i do, otherwise i live a happy child-free life full of free time, extra money, the ability to go clothes shopping without spending hours making arrangements first, i can sleep for more than 3 hrs at a stretch. there's an equally strong part of me that wants to go forward with IVF because i know what a unique position i'm in regarding having any of it covered by insurance at all. what will i think of myself now if i let it go and find myself paying 25K for ivf 2 yrs forward?

it's just too much to think about. i'm depressed and don't care.

6 comments:

kim99 said...

I'm so sorry to hear how frustrating the process has been. Whatever you decide, I am thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

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Meghan said...

Sorry you're having to make all these hard hard decisions. Sending you hugs and good thoughts

Geohde said...

Hon, I am so sorry. The moment when you realise that it has come to IVF after all is a sucky one.

xx

J

In and Out of Luck said...

I'm sorry. That is hard. Let me ask one thing, simply because this was my experience: I did IUI + clomid and the doctor measured my uterine lining right before the IUI and it was thin. When the IUI didn't work, the doctor concluded that Clomid (even though it worked at causing ovulation) was thinning the lining and therefore that a Clomid IUI couldn't work, that only an injectible IUI could. Sorry to be all ad-vicey but I thought it worth bringing up, since I would not have thought Clomid could have that effect.

ultimatejourney said...

I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. It sucks. Hugs.

You sound a little overwhelmed, which isn't surprising after another disappointing AF arrival. Can you wait a couple weeks to make this decision? You may have a different perspective then, although moving on to a treatment you never envisioned being a part of your life is always extremely difficult.