Wednesday, June 20, 2007

men and grief

i just talked to the husband and he is really in a bad way. i am worried about him a little bit. today he left work *at noon* and went home for the day. just didn't have it in him to finish the day. not to mention that we've been arguing, and also he didn't call me today, which is really very unlike him. he's typically known for his WASPY even-keeledness, as well as for calling me 10 times a day.

he says he just feels disconnected, and that he's doing things without really considering the consequences--thus the half day today i suppose. it is tough for him because he really doesn't talk to anyone at work or at home about things that are upsetting him (besides me). the m/c affected him deeply for one, and he hadn't told anyone in his family about it or anyone he works with, or any of his friends from home. i also know he's also worried about what he's going to do when he's released from active duty in november (god willing). november is a tough time for a teacher in need of a job.

i told him he should take a bath (this usually relaxes him) and he said he didn't want to 'because it might kill the sperm.' seriously, how sad is that?

anyway, i twisted his arm to call his primary care contact at the clinic tomorrow to get an appt ASAP. i know it will be very hard for him to get a counseling appt because the resources are scarce, and generally reserved for soldiers coming off deployment overseas. still, he is in a bad way. i hope, at the very least, the primary care person is willing to perscribe an anti-depressant of some kind while we wait to get the counseling ball rolling. we all know how long it takes anti-depressants to work, the sooner he starts those the better. i think we also need a short term plan to take us from now to whenever his appt is. leaving work, not doing anything, staying at home is really a bad option. it's also, for him, probably illegal.

if anyone reading this has any suggestions for how i can help him (besides vacation, he can't take any, and i can't either) i am eager to hear about it.

on a different and positive note, i had the opportunity to meet 9 lovely and beautiful women for dinner at cheesecake factory. as they say: l'chaim! next year in jerusalem...though i'd settle for next month back at cheesecake factory if that's more convenient for everyone.


Leah said...

It was great to meet you tonight. Hopefully we'll see each other again at the next get together.

Shelby said...

It was so much fun meeting you last night! I'm definitely in for next time!

I'm sorry your hubby is having such a hard time with everything lately. I think you're doing the right thing in getting him into the doctor. He/she may have some suggestions that you haven't thought of. And it's amazing what a good therapist and/or a prescription will do.

LJ said...

I just realized that I don't have your email address to send you pictures, missy!

Mine is ljauss AT gmail DOT com

So drop me a line, and I'll send you pictures :)

ultimatejourney said...

I'm sorry your hubby is struggling. I hope the doctor can help.

In and Out of Luck said...

It was great meeting you last night. I'm sorry your husband is having a hard time right now. The doctor sounds like a great idea - and if the wait to see a counselor is prohibitively long, is it an option to see a private therapist as a stop-gap measure?

dmarie said...

Great fun meeting you last night. I had to look up i'chaim on

I'm sorry that youu hubby isn't doing so well. You sound worried about him like my hubby is about me. I wish I had a suggestion for you. I'll keep thinking.

LJ said...

I should have re-read this post before my last comment, which is now VERY insensitive of me in retrospect.

Since I know the state of mental health care in the military is scarce, is there a Rabbi or other person of "authority" who could help him get perspective? I only mean perspective in terms of knowing where he is, not how good he has it or anything like that. He just seems a bit lost, and needs a little grounding.

What does he really enjoy - when not depressed? Also, just sitting and listening. No commentary from you, except to ask him questions to help him get out whatever is weighing him down. Sometimes we all get sad because we have nowhere to turn but inside - he may just need to let off internal steam?

Changing Expectations said...

It was wonderful meeting you last night. I had a great time. Let's get together again soon!

I am sorry to hear about your husband. I hope that his appointment goes well and that he is able to meet with the counselor after all. Sorry that I don't have any assvice.

Let us know what the dr's say.

Karen said...

I'm sorry your husband is having such a hard time. Maybe it would be good for him to talk to some other men who've been there/done that? My husband never seemed terribly stressed out about IF, except when I was screaming at him from Follistim-induced rages, but I know that other men have had a really rough time. Maybe sometime we can expand our Stirrup-Queen get togethers to include our Sperm Palace Jesters?

It was great meeting you on Tuesday. Good luck!