tomorrow, it's only a day away

i leave charleston tomorrow, and i won't be back until the 15th. boo. it is very sad. it was nice to spend these last few weeks here, actually living like a married couple. i also really really like charleston. i'm not sure about SC in general (they have sh*t here named for their late senator Str*m Th*rmond!) but charleston is just lovely.

i'm also going to visit my lovely sister tomorrow. i was very close to canceling the trip after the m/c because my initial vision of the trip was of two sisters, both pregnant, hanging out together. the first meeting of the cousins in utero. and of course, i've had a chem pregnancy and a m/c all during my sister's pregnancy. so while i am filled with joy for her, i was worried that it would just fill me with sadness over my own loss. and, to be honest, i'm not sure how it will go. i tried rescheduling the trip but between the late fee, the f*ck you fee, and the multiple fee fee, it was not feasible. so, i'm on my way out tomorrow and we will see how it goes. i think at least parts of it will go well, because i do really enjoy being around my sis. also, i am very into pregnancy and babies and i like talking about it, even given my own current un-pregnant situation. so i think it will be sad for me, but i still think we'll have a good time.

school starts for me next week. i can't believe it! this break has flown by. i am starting in one clinical next week in a pediatric orthopedic surgeon' office. i am pretty sure she is going to think i'm a dumb a$$. orthopedics is not something i can speak even reasonably intelligently on. maybe i'll call the preceptor and she can recommend a book that i can at least skim before the rotation starts. my other rotation this summer is women's health, and i'm alot more confident about that.

ok, my new favorite site is http://icanhascheezburger.com/ where you will find gems such as this among others. hee-larious.

to some, its ice cream, to others, its crack

cl and i are doing ok today, but we might have had the stupidest fight of our marriage yet last night. and that is saying something. (what, exactly, it is saying i'd rather not know). anyway, cl has been feeling down as of late, and apparently has gained about 5lbs over the last couple weeks. i think he looks great, but as anyone who has struggled with their weight will tell you, what i think is hardly the point. anyway, i suggested we stop and get ice cream on the way home from dinner yesterday. my motives were simple: have ice cream on hand. i did not know that i nonverbally entered a binding contract with cl to eat ice cream with him that evening, or risk being a massive cock tease (ice cream tease?).

anyway, last night we were both chilling on the sofa after spending much of yesterday biking. he asked me to go get us some ice cream. for me, laziness wins out over most other motivations any time of the day, and i suggested that if it was ice cream he wanted, he should get off the sofa and hisself some because my a$$ was seated, and i didn't want any besides. he was horrified. i think part of my sensitivity to the request is due to the fact that that while growing up, my mother dear (whom i love, of course) had the nasty habit of summoning me from the clear other side of the house to fetch her something that was now equidistant from us both. i may have approached my poor husband's request with something between apprehension and outright derision. and here, he was just looking for an excuse to eat ice cream and not feel bad about eating it all alone. having me get it for him would have been the piece de resistance.

anyway, could such a fight go on for hours and hours? it can if the participants are me and cl. le sigh. oh well. we are back on track today.

cl is having a tough time right now. i leave on thurs, and won't be back until 6/15. plus he really had his heart broke by the m/c. as much as me, if not more. he says he's been self medicating with food, among other things. he was in a dour mood yesterday. i'm glad we are both of similar mind re: the m/c (i.e. that it was devastating), but sad that he feels so bad. i wish i could make some guarantee for us about the next time. cl signed us both up to recieve some literature about adoption. he really wants to be a dad, and i don't think it's a bad idea to remain open and informed about adoptive possiblities. neither of us would struggle to love an adopted child as much as any bio kid we might or might not have.

speaking of...today's OPK. i never really get full on positives with those things. damn the dominant lh paradigm. that frikking second line is there, and it's dark but is it as dark as or darker than the reference line? no, it is not. they never get that way for me though. so i'm charting it in FF as a negative, but treating it as a positive. glad something is positive. :)

pixie blonde amphetamine eating nemesis

charleston ultimate is a tough but friendly crowd. there's this one little pixie girl there that i swear must chew amphetamines for breakfast with a side of anabolic steroids and some crack sprinkled on top. she's little, but goddamn is she speedy. it was pickup and thankfully we were on the same team today because defending her is a lesson in humility, with a pinch of misery and a side of why-am-i-doing-this-again? it's nice to share the wealth a little with the other females that show up. the last time i showed up for ultimate there were only a few females that came and it was me against her each time. just not fun, really.

after playing we went to fresh fields. um...yum! i love summer. peaches! cherries! chocolate! a trifecta of tastebud yum.

my opk today, while still negative, was slightly less negative than yesterday. those of you that pee on sticks regularly (none of whom are reading this blog, i'm sure) know what i mean. yesterday was dead negative, today was still negative, but at least the second line showed up. maybe yesterday's ewcm was a portend of an o, maybe next week? or maybe my cervix was exuberant for some reason unknown to me. dreams of zach braff maybe. who knows why a cervix does the things it does?

ooooooof (or, what is the sound of one stomach expanding?)

cl and i just got back from kaminsky's in charleston. that place has absolutely amazing desserts and coffee drinks. i had a nutty irish (yah yah yah) which was coffee, irish creme and amaretto. and whipped cream. mmmmmmmmmm. cl had a kaminsky which is coffee, almond liquor and something else. kahlua? dust from one pixie? emulsified happiness? who knows...that plus the raspberry cheesecake plus the huge greek dinner that preceded it and i'm stuffed up to my eyeballs. all i need is the crane to lift me out of that place and swing me back here.

i'll say if there's one good thing about not being preggers, it's kaminsky's. as shameful as it is to admit, it was one of the first positive things i could come up with after the m/c. what can i say? i guess being overly attached to one's liquor can have an up side :).

you just KNOW she means well...

this would be my mom, of course. jt's too, as we share the same mother, for better or for worse. being her children, we know that she means well, and it helps us to look past some of the crazier things she does. we know she doesn't intend to cause harm when she flips the f*ck out over nothing, or self-righteously declares that in the face of such dastardly deeds (ours) she cannot be held responsible for any resulting actions (hers). jt and i would--mostly--be able to let such things slide, because we know her heart is in the right place. the men we are married to though...not so much. without the benefit of being raised with mom, to them she comes off as mercurial at best, and downright...well...hysterical at worst. i'm not saying she's not hysterical (i really hate that word, bleh!), i'm just saying that if you know her intimately, it's easier to give her the benefit of the doubt.

unfortunately, mom, like the rest of us, has to operate in the real world. the real world judges you on your actions. the real world does not view those actions in light of mitigating circumstances that only exist in your mind. in the actual physical world, your actions are judged on their merit. unfortunately, on thursday, mom managed to freak out not only me, but jt's husband and my husband, neither of whom are able/willing to give it the rosy 'her-heart-is-in-the-right-place' slant. resulting action: jt's husband put the kaibosh on mom going out to visit for 3 mos after the babies are born. equal and opposite reaction: mom is crushed. i feel bad for her, i really do. i know this is not at all what she meant to have happen. the exact opposite, in fact. but what can you do? she is a grown woman. if she can't control her actions, people aren't going to want her around. one can't even argue to one's husband that this is a abberation, because it's not. when mom feels crazy, she acts crazy, and is unable, or unwilling, to reign it in.

(as a side note, i think it is easier to give up on the help mom is offering if you don't have much experience with babies. my sister is expecting twins. if one doesn't know how much work one baby is, much less two, it is easy to pass up on that kind of help. it is possible though, in the moment, that one might be able to put up with a great deal of crazy just to get 3 or 4 blissful hrs of uninterrupted sleep, after a day, or two, or five, with nothing but a smattering of catnaps. but how can you know that ahead of time?)

in other fertility news: this morning i had downright exuberant egg white cervical mucous. it looked like a snapshot right out of the Take Charge book....kinda got me thinking maybe i'm ovulating, well, today of all days! it could be possible. but the pee sticks begged to differ. according to First Response, not today, not tomorrow, exuberant EWCM nonwithstanding. what a tease.

cl asked me this am about any news on the fertility front. he likes to plan things. i think he was wondering when i might ovulate. ha. i have no idea, and even my mucous and my ovaries seem to be at cross purposes. there is ONE day in june that it would not be possible for him to do an iui, and i'll bet that's just the day we're headed for. meh.

this cycle

today when we were walking CL asked me about when i thought i'd ovulate this cycle. it's really hard to tell. it's been 12 days or so since the m/c. from everything i've read, most women ovulate 14-28 days after a m/c. so, it could be anywhere from two days from now to two weeks from now. i am a late ovulator anyway, so i'll probably be in the 2 wk from now camp vs. the 2 day from now camp. i've given alot of thought as to what to do this cycle. most medical advice i've gotten says its advisable to wait until you have one normal cycle before you try again. it's good advice, but hard to follow since my cycles are so goddamn long! so what i've come up with is this: i am only going to be in town with CL until this coming thursday anyway. starting tomorrow i will use OPK kits. if i get a positive between now and when i leave, we will absolutely act on it. if not, then we will consider it for the best and wait til next cycle anyway. next cycle we will use clomid/hcg/iui again. it sort of almost worked this last time. i can't imagine why we would need to have protected sex or avoid sex around ovulation...no one said we need to use condoms or anything this cycle. so, that's where i'm at now. checking for o, timely bd if possible, letting the chips fall where they may. bringing the whole campaign of modern machinery back to bear next cycle.

my mom sent me a post apologizing for freaking me out last night. i know she meant well, and didn't mean anything by it, but it was really upsetting. thinking about how we'd lost ours so recently and then thinking maybe my sister was losing hers...ugh. i love her, but i've gotta avoid her in some situations because she brings me to deep dark places that i've only just recently left. my own recent m/c is like a newly formed scab. thinking about my sister going through the same thing only a week or so later just tears it right off. for now, i want the scab to heal. it will never be skin again, but i'll take the scar tissue. it's not as resiliant as skin, but it's a lot tougher.

everything is OK

i knew it would be. my mom just freaked me out. the office was running over an hour late. but she got a sonogram, both babies were doing just fine, just chilling side by side. she has a nuchal translucency screen next week. she also has a uterine fibroid, but it is situated far away from the babies. ahhh, now i can relax.

uuuugh, worried

well, my sister who got pregnant the same time as i got pregnant initially (chemical pregnancy) is pregnant with twins. she has been having just terrible morning sickness. i'm not even sure morning sickness describes it. basically, she pukes all day, every day. yesterday she puked so hard she burst a blood vessel in her eye. today her appt was at 4pm PST. so 7pm eastern time. it's 9pm now...6pm her time and i haven't heard anything. i definitly don't think this is a no-news-is-good-news situation. my guess...if i had to make a guess...is that the office ran late, didn't see her until 5pm, and then said she needed to go to the ER for IV fluids and a sono. she probably won't call til after all that. so that is what i think is going on if i had to guess. hopefully i'll hear from her by midnight my time.

Not How I Planned It...

but we are still hoping it will turn out OK...eventually. We are hanging in there, CL and I. Trying to look forward not back. Trying not to let everything in the past color the future. But I know it will, at least a little bit. How can it not? Next appt 6/6, plan the next IUI then. All is waiting until then.