and you call yourself a mental health professional?

i was down in charleston today so cl and i went to see what i think is a lcsw regarding the mc's and the struggles getting back to baseline emotionally, especially poor cl. i've had some experience with counselors, but this guy hit a new low, and it only took him 30 mins to do it! i kid you not: within the first 1/2 hr he managed to get in not just one, but all, of the following:
--the 'adopt and you'll concieve' mantra
--relax, how important it is just to relax,
--how all his kids were 'pop-ups' they just kinda happened!

he rounded out the trifecta with some advice about how i maybe need to gain a little bit of weight and then i can get pregnant with no problem. seeing as how my RE's never mentioned my weight as an issue, i think i'm going to let that one slide along with the rest of it. i think couples going thru probs following a m/c was just NOT his forte. i guess he's alot better with soldiers coming back from deployment going through ptsd issues. god i hope so, or they are in significant trouble. the only good i could see from it is at least we didn't have to pay for it (not directly, anyway). i've had bad counseling sessions that i've had to pay for, so i guess there's that.

i want to give a tremendously joyous shout out to ultimate journey who after a long and hard road found two pink lines on her pee stick this morning. woo hoo!!! so exciting.

i also read this very interesting article from newsweek about the state of birth in the world today. not too shocking i guess, where health care is better overall, women tend to fare better too. but an interesting read nonetheless.

preglets to the left of me! preglets to the right of me!

heavens to betsy this cycle is taking a long time, isn't it? for some reason i harbored a secret hope that somehow my body would know that i wasn't trying to make it get/keep a pregnancy this cycle so it could appease me by ovulating a little early. i'm not even peeing on any sticks! how's that for taking a cycle off? well, not so much. i'm on track for a CD19 o date, which will still sort of work with all of the not sonograms i've scheduled which will be right around, but not on, the days that would work well for next cycle in terms of monitoring. cl of course has a conference in texas and then a big old work thing in savannah for the beginning of august, which i think will coincide perfectly with his need to be up here for an iui. don't you?

this week i'm going to see my sister and my friend melissa, both quite knocked up. my sister is in her 16th week (i think?) with twins, and my friend melissa is in her 7th month. now, i spend a good part of every week dopplering pregnant ladies, measuring their funduses, and counseling them to avoid marijuana as it WILL show up in their urine, like it or not. however, it is a little different to be near my sis and a good friend, both of whom are clearly showing. i was also hoping to have a cycle underway already, at this point. oh well. i think all those other preglets might be good de-sensitization training for the preglets i hold near and dear.

and i swear, almost daily i'm like: my life is not so bad after all. what do i want babies for? mel at stirrup-queens wrote a review of a book this week on her blog, the premise of which is that people eventually return to their baseline level of happiness anyway, in most cases. the author of the book further argues that the net effect of children is overall less happiness (tho marginal) and that most people don't have a good idea of what makes them happy anyway. interesting premise, methinks. i read something else where someone wrote that it isn't having children or not having them that makes you happy, it's having what you want (ie--having kids if you want that, not having them if you dont). its interesting to want kids, what with all the work and the money and the no-free-time and to realize that some argue the overall net effect is negative. yet to not have them when you want them is a negative too. definitly a damned if you do, damned if you dont type scenario.

men and grief

i just talked to the husband and he is really in a bad way. i am worried about him a little bit. today he left work *at noon* and went home for the day. just didn't have it in him to finish the day. not to mention that we've been arguing, and also he didn't call me today, which is really very unlike him. he's typically known for his WASPY even-keeledness, as well as for calling me 10 times a day.

he says he just feels disconnected, and that he's doing things without really considering the consequences--thus the half day today i suppose. it is tough for him because he really doesn't talk to anyone at work or at home about things that are upsetting him (besides me). the m/c affected him deeply for one, and he hadn't told anyone in his family about it or anyone he works with, or any of his friends from home. i also know he's also worried about what he's going to do when he's released from active duty in november (god willing). november is a tough time for a teacher in need of a job.

i told him he should take a bath (this usually relaxes him) and he said he didn't want to 'because it might kill the sperm.' seriously, how sad is that?

anyway, i twisted his arm to call his primary care contact at the clinic tomorrow to get an appt ASAP. i know it will be very hard for him to get a counseling appt because the resources are scarce, and generally reserved for soldiers coming off deployment overseas. still, he is in a bad way. i hope, at the very least, the primary care person is willing to perscribe an anti-depressant of some kind while we wait to get the counseling ball rolling. we all know how long it takes anti-depressants to work, the sooner he starts those the better. i think we also need a short term plan to take us from now to whenever his appt is. leaving work, not doing anything, staying at home is really a bad option. it's also, for him, probably illegal.

if anyone reading this has any suggestions for how i can help him (besides vacation, he can't take any, and i can't either) i am eager to hear about it.

on a different and positive note, i had the opportunity to meet 9 lovely and beautiful women for dinner at cheesecake factory. as they say: l'chaim! next year in jerusalem...though i'd settle for next month back at cheesecake factory if that's more convenient for everyone.

are uteri vengeful?

this is us at nola jazzfest a month or so ago. a good trip, though having miscarried so soon after, i sometimes wonder if it was because it was so freaking hot there. heat in early pregnancy is associated with m/c. but then i realize that makes no sense...there are certainly babies born routinely in hotter places than nola in may, as hard as that is to believe.

cl is having a tough time of it, and he really suffers physically when he has a tough time. right now his IBS is acting up, and he is getting cold sores on his lips. i was down this weekend and he was grumpy and we ended up arguing a good part of the weekend. it sucks because since we don't live together there's more pressure to make the time we spend together 'quality time.' so it seems like an extra waste when we argue and i know we won't see each other for another 2 wks. he is really going to try and shelve all pregnancy/adoption thoughts for a month and i think it's a good idea because we are at least a month away from being able to do anything anyway. if he keeps dwelling on it, he is just going to be even more sick and miserable than he is now. i know he can't help it. but we can't go away, he can't stay drunk for a month and there just isn't any way to make the time go faster but to go through it.

i joke alot (and am at least half serious when i do) about having the old uterus taken out once i've done all i can with it. i don't think it's a bad idea, but then i wonder if somehow it KNOWS i feel that way, and so is trying less hard for me now. can bad thoughts about a uterus contribute towards IF and m/c? big brother uterus is watching YOU.

happy father's day?

i do love me some charleston...but i go home tomorrow to continue with my regularly scheduled life. i come back here in two weeks and four weeks. it's nice because by the trip 4 wks from now i should be (fingers crossed) having a period-type thing and then roughly two weeks after that we can get our ART on.

the wait is really hard on us both. what helps cl keep going is actively doing something or planning something. we are at an ART standstill, the clinic sort of demands we take this month off as a final uterine house cleaning from may's m/c. i sorta felt like my ute was clean enough already after this current cycle, but since i wield not the drugs, nor the dildo cam, nor do i have any flexi-catheters to my name, the decision was not mine to make and the damn NP would not budge. so, nothing going on on that front. the adoption plan is at a standstill too, for at least the next 6 mos, because we need to be in the same place for the pre-and-post placement visits. and where might that place be? we have no idea. so, as cl told me yesterday, his plan for the next month is not to think about it, or to think about it as little as possible.

i almost got him a little card for father's day (because he will be a father eventually, by god), but i'm glad i didn't since right now anything on that front just makes him sad.

if only we could spend the next month drunk, or if not that, in hawaii, or if not that, at least not 12 hrs apart by car. on the other hand, at least he's not in iraq, so i can't really complain. much.

to some, its ice cream, to others, its crack

cl and i are doing ok today, but we might have had the stupidest fight of our marriage yet last night. and that is saying something. (what, exactly, it is saying i'd rather not know). anyway, cl has been feeling down as of late, and apparently has gained about 5lbs over the last couple weeks. i think he looks great, but as anyone who has struggled with their weight will tell you, what i think is hardly the point. anyway, i suggested we stop and get ice cream on the way home from dinner yesterday. my motives were simple: have ice cream on hand. i did not know that i nonverbally entered a binding contract with cl to eat ice cream with him that evening, or risk being a massive cock tease (ice cream tease?).

anyway, last night we were both chilling on the sofa after spending much of yesterday biking. he asked me to go get us some ice cream. for me, laziness wins out over most other motivations any time of the day, and i suggested that if it was ice cream he wanted, he should get off the sofa and hisself some because my a$$ was seated, and i didn't want any besides. he was horrified. i think part of my sensitivity to the request is due to the fact that that while growing up, my mother dear (whom i love, of course) had the nasty habit of summoning me from the clear other side of the house to fetch her something that was now equidistant from us both. i may have approached my poor husband's request with something between apprehension and outright derision. and here, he was just looking for an excuse to eat ice cream and not feel bad about eating it all alone. having me get it for him would have been the piece de resistance.

anyway, could such a fight go on for hours and hours? it can if the participants are me and cl. le sigh. oh well. we are back on track today.

cl is having a tough time right now. i leave on thurs, and won't be back until 6/15. plus he really had his heart broke by the m/c. as much as me, if not more. he says he's been self medicating with food, among other things. he was in a dour mood yesterday. i'm glad we are both of similar mind re: the m/c (i.e. that it was devastating), but sad that he feels so bad. i wish i could make some guarantee for us about the next time. cl signed us both up to recieve some literature about adoption. he really wants to be a dad, and i don't think it's a bad idea to remain open and informed about adoptive possiblities. neither of us would struggle to love an adopted child as much as any bio kid we might or might not have.

speaking of...today's OPK. i never really get full on positives with those things. damn the dominant lh paradigm. that frikking second line is there, and it's dark but is it as dark as or darker than the reference line? no, it is not. they never get that way for me though. so i'm charting it in FF as a negative, but treating it as a positive. glad something is positive. :)

pixie blonde amphetamine eating nemesis

charleston ultimate is a tough but friendly crowd. there's this one little pixie girl there that i swear must chew amphetamines for breakfast with a side of anabolic steroids and some crack sprinkled on top. she's little, but goddamn is she speedy. it was pickup and thankfully we were on the same team today because defending her is a lesson in humility, with a pinch of misery and a side of why-am-i-doing-this-again? it's nice to share the wealth a little with the other females that show up. the last time i showed up for ultimate there were only a few females that came and it was me against her each time. just not fun, really.

after playing we went to fresh fields. um...yum! i love summer. peaches! cherries! chocolate! a trifecta of tastebud yum.

my opk today, while still negative, was slightly less negative than yesterday. those of you that pee on sticks regularly (none of whom are reading this blog, i'm sure) know what i mean. yesterday was dead negative, today was still negative, but at least the second line showed up. maybe yesterday's ewcm was a portend of an o, maybe next week? or maybe my cervix was exuberant for some reason unknown to me. dreams of zach braff maybe. who knows why a cervix does the things it does?

you just KNOW she means well...

this would be my mom, of course. jt's too, as we share the same mother, for better or for worse. being her children, we know that she means well, and it helps us to look past some of the crazier things she does. we know she doesn't intend to cause harm when she flips the f*ck out over nothing, or self-righteously declares that in the face of such dastardly deeds (ours) she cannot be held responsible for any resulting actions (hers). jt and i would--mostly--be able to let such things slide, because we know her heart is in the right place. the men we are married to though...not so much. without the benefit of being raised with mom, to them she comes off as mercurial at best, and downright...well...hysterical at worst. i'm not saying she's not hysterical (i really hate that word, bleh!), i'm just saying that if you know her intimately, it's easier to give her the benefit of the doubt.

unfortunately, mom, like the rest of us, has to operate in the real world. the real world judges you on your actions. the real world does not view those actions in light of mitigating circumstances that only exist in your mind. in the actual physical world, your actions are judged on their merit. unfortunately, on thursday, mom managed to freak out not only me, but jt's husband and my husband, neither of whom are able/willing to give it the rosy 'her-heart-is-in-the-right-place' slant. resulting action: jt's husband put the kaibosh on mom going out to visit for 3 mos after the babies are born. equal and opposite reaction: mom is crushed. i feel bad for her, i really do. i know this is not at all what she meant to have happen. the exact opposite, in fact. but what can you do? she is a grown woman. if she can't control her actions, people aren't going to want her around. one can't even argue to one's husband that this is a abberation, because it's not. when mom feels crazy, she acts crazy, and is unable, or unwilling, to reign it in.

(as a side note, i think it is easier to give up on the help mom is offering if you don't have much experience with babies. my sister is expecting twins. if one doesn't know how much work one baby is, much less two, it is easy to pass up on that kind of help. it is possible though, in the moment, that one might be able to put up with a great deal of crazy just to get 3 or 4 blissful hrs of uninterrupted sleep, after a day, or two, or five, with nothing but a smattering of catnaps. but how can you know that ahead of time?)

in other fertility news: this morning i had downright exuberant egg white cervical mucous. it looked like a snapshot right out of the Take Charge book....kinda got me thinking maybe i'm ovulating, well, today of all days! it could be possible. but the pee sticks begged to differ. according to First Response, not today, not tomorrow, exuberant EWCM nonwithstanding. what a tease.

cl asked me this am about any news on the fertility front. he likes to plan things. i think he was wondering when i might ovulate. ha. i have no idea, and even my mucous and my ovaries seem to be at cross purposes. there is ONE day in june that it would not be possible for him to do an iui, and i'll bet that's just the day we're headed for. meh.

this cycle

today when we were walking CL asked me about when i thought i'd ovulate this cycle. it's really hard to tell. it's been 12 days or so since the m/c. from everything i've read, most women ovulate 14-28 days after a m/c. so, it could be anywhere from two days from now to two weeks from now. i am a late ovulator anyway, so i'll probably be in the 2 wk from now camp vs. the 2 day from now camp. i've given alot of thought as to what to do this cycle. most medical advice i've gotten says its advisable to wait until you have one normal cycle before you try again. it's good advice, but hard to follow since my cycles are so goddamn long! so what i've come up with is this: i am only going to be in town with CL until this coming thursday anyway. starting tomorrow i will use OPK kits. if i get a positive between now and when i leave, we will absolutely act on it. if not, then we will consider it for the best and wait til next cycle anyway. next cycle we will use clomid/hcg/iui again. it sort of almost worked this last time. i can't imagine why we would need to have protected sex or avoid sex around ovulation...no one said we need to use condoms or anything this cycle. so, that's where i'm at now. checking for o, timely bd if possible, letting the chips fall where they may. bringing the whole campaign of modern machinery back to bear next cycle.

my mom sent me a post apologizing for freaking me out last night. i know she meant well, and didn't mean anything by it, but it was really upsetting. thinking about how we'd lost ours so recently and then thinking maybe my sister was losing hers...ugh. i love her, but i've gotta avoid her in some situations because she brings me to deep dark places that i've only just recently left. my own recent m/c is like a newly formed scab. thinking about my sister going through the same thing only a week or so later just tears it right off. for now, i want the scab to heal. it will never be skin again, but i'll take the scar tissue. it's not as resiliant as skin, but it's a lot tougher.