men and grief

i just talked to the husband and he is really in a bad way. i am worried about him a little bit. today he left work *at noon* and went home for the day. just didn't have it in him to finish the day. not to mention that we've been arguing, and also he didn't call me today, which is really very unlike him. he's typically known for his WASPY even-keeledness, as well as for calling me 10 times a day.

he says he just feels disconnected, and that he's doing things without really considering the consequences--thus the half day today i suppose. it is tough for him because he really doesn't talk to anyone at work or at home about things that are upsetting him (besides me). the m/c affected him deeply for one, and he hadn't told anyone in his family about it or anyone he works with, or any of his friends from home. i also know he's also worried about what he's going to do when he's released from active duty in november (god willing). november is a tough time for a teacher in need of a job.

i told him he should take a bath (this usually relaxes him) and he said he didn't want to 'because it might kill the sperm.' seriously, how sad is that?

anyway, i twisted his arm to call his primary care contact at the clinic tomorrow to get an appt ASAP. i know it will be very hard for him to get a counseling appt because the resources are scarce, and generally reserved for soldiers coming off deployment overseas. still, he is in a bad way. i hope, at the very least, the primary care person is willing to perscribe an anti-depressant of some kind while we wait to get the counseling ball rolling. we all know how long it takes anti-depressants to work, the sooner he starts those the better. i think we also need a short term plan to take us from now to whenever his appt is. leaving work, not doing anything, staying at home is really a bad option. it's also, for him, probably illegal.

if anyone reading this has any suggestions for how i can help him (besides vacation, he can't take any, and i can't either) i am eager to hear about it.

on a different and positive note, i had the opportunity to meet 9 lovely and beautiful women for dinner at cheesecake factory. as they say: l'chaim! next year in jerusalem...though i'd settle for next month back at cheesecake factory if that's more convenient for everyone.

are uteri vengeful?

this is us at nola jazzfest a month or so ago. a good trip, though having miscarried so soon after, i sometimes wonder if it was because it was so freaking hot there. heat in early pregnancy is associated with m/c. but then i realize that makes no sense...there are certainly babies born routinely in hotter places than nola in may, as hard as that is to believe.

cl is having a tough time of it, and he really suffers physically when he has a tough time. right now his IBS is acting up, and he is getting cold sores on his lips. i was down this weekend and he was grumpy and we ended up arguing a good part of the weekend. it sucks because since we don't live together there's more pressure to make the time we spend together 'quality time.' so it seems like an extra waste when we argue and i know we won't see each other for another 2 wks. he is really going to try and shelve all pregnancy/adoption thoughts for a month and i think it's a good idea because we are at least a month away from being able to do anything anyway. if he keeps dwelling on it, he is just going to be even more sick and miserable than he is now. i know he can't help it. but we can't go away, he can't stay drunk for a month and there just isn't any way to make the time go faster but to go through it.

i joke alot (and am at least half serious when i do) about having the old uterus taken out once i've done all i can with it. i don't think it's a bad idea, but then i wonder if somehow it KNOWS i feel that way, and so is trying less hard for me now. can bad thoughts about a uterus contribute towards IF and m/c? big brother uterus is watching YOU.