Thursday, February 14, 2008

holding back

my husband lives in sc but is coming up this weekend. we haven't gone out yet to celebrate the bfp; in fact, i was so sure i was m/c'ing a few days ago i called him to tell him it was done. after the beta doubled i said when he came up we should go out to celebrate the bfp. but almost immediately after the words left my lips i regretted them. maybe it is a mistake to celebrate because what if i m/c? what if there's no hb at the ultrasound? we should do nothing to commemmorate it--at least until i get a hb--because what if there isn't one? that would make the whole thing a farce, and celebrating it obscene.

on the other hand, if there isn't a hb, i'll be destroyed whether or not we go out to dinner this weekend. and if i only get a few days/wks of this, shouldn't i at least *try* not to be morbid and enjoy myself, if only for a little while? if it doesn't continue (or even if it does) will i have wasted it completely by spending the whole time expecting disaster?

how do i let go enough to acknowledge (and maybe celebrate) that something momentous happened...but also hold back enough that something of me is left if it all goes to hell? i can't find the balance between holding on and letting go and i need to do both to get through the next few weeks.

it would be nice if i could just go to sleep and wake up 12 wks from now and someone could tell me how it went instead of plodding through it all day after day.

9 comments:

maxerpeanut said...

L, I think you should celebrate. right now you have EVERY reason to celebrate. personally, I think this is it; you're taking meds/shots, and I think that's going to keep that little bugger snug. :) this situation is unlike any other situation that you've been in, where you m/c, yes? eat, drink (no alcohol!) and be merry :)~

Heather said...

I'm right there with you Sweetie. I keep wanting to wait until next Saturday and hope we see a hb...but then on the other hand I feel like I should enjoy it every moment. This is what I've been wanting for so long and now I'm not letting myself enjoy it. Nothing I can do will truly prepare me for if I lose this baby...so I need to enjoy it.

Hope you find your happiness.

Meghan said...

I decided after my betas that if this thing went south, I'd be devasated, no matter how hard I tried to protect myself or what I did. So I decided to enjoy it as much as I could. That's not to say that I don't worry every single day, but I'm also trying to allow myself to be happy...it's such a hard balance.

Enjoy your celebration with your hubby this weekend!

DD said...

When panic would set in with me, and as you know, it still does, I would have to chant over and over in my head, "no matter what, I will be OK". I knew that to be true as I had come through 4 other miscarriages, while in a lot of mental pain, I could survive.

I try not to dwell on the bad things that could happen, because more than likely it will be good. Why not focus on that, I remind myself. One day, one week, one month at a time.

Karen said...

something momentous HAS happened. You got a BFP. That is a huge step forward, no matter WHAT the future brings for this particular BFP.

You SHOULD commemorate it, because this is your one chance to do so. You'll be devastated if things go wrong, whether you celebrate or ignore it, so please, try to just enjoy it for now, for what it is. Really.

Sunny said...

Major hugs to you! I can only imagine the fear you have. Try to enjoy what you have in the right now. Man that is so hard.

I hope you can enjoy your weekend with your man and your little bean digs deep and grows!

Geohde said...

Yeah, well, I'm at 13 weeks and still waiting for someone to tell me it's all a big fat joke.

It isn't easy to let go and enjoy it, but I did get the very wise advice that I should at least try to limit my worrying to a defined time each day. It helps.

J

Heather said...

It does make me feel better, because I am crampy almost every day. It is driving me nuts!

In and Out of Luck said...

I agree with everyone and I know it's hard to do. But you have to celebrate. When is the next planned appointment with the doctors?