greetings and salutations

greetings from haitiland! i find myself with access so i'm updating. it is really hard to describe the country in a blog so i'm not even going to try. but some inadequate descriptions follow: in jeremie, the land, the views are gorgeous. from some vantages it even has a terraced/italian look to it. jeremie still has trees and they are wonderful, flowering, heavy with blossoms and fruit. roosters are everywhere as are skinny dogs (btw: total myth that roosters crow at dawn. they crow all the damn time). the poverty is beyond measure. dwellings built of concrete and corrugated tin and aluminum poles as people get money...so alot of people live in partially constructed homes. just a room sometimes with walls, sometimes with a roof. on the negative side, the people here even the small children seem so aggressive everybody wants something and the want it hard. you get followed everywhere. "asked" for a date, marriage, money, food, a treat, the shoes off my feet. i must look like a big white dollar sign to them. i've been to very poor places before but i don't know that i've felt so poked and picked at before. needled. there are a couple of returned pcv's from ghana and they say that in ghana, which is just as destitute if not worse, the adults have more pride don't assault strangers for things but the children will. i dunno. i've never been to ghana but i know what they mean.

today i went to an orphanage/respite home for children that was essentially straight out of something you would see ior imagine from dickens minus the evil care provider. some of the children there are orphans or abandoned, others are dropped off because they are sick or because their parents or care providers can't look after them because the care providers themselves are sick. it's hard to even describe it because it seemed so surreal that even though i only came back a few hours ago it's hard to even think about it. there were 4 large rooms filled with white iron cribs lined up front to back in rows, maybe 50 cribs per room. there was an infant room, a toddler room and two older kid rooms. the infants were all (every single one) way below weight for age. malnourished, no fat under the skin or sometimes the shiny skin from when the edema leaves after kwashiorkor, and the skin itself was absolutely covered in bites, scabies and eczema. most only had fuzz for hair. we went crib to crib and fed infants what had to be some kind of gloppy pumpkin porridge goo from a spoon. most were fed while in the crib on their backs. then they each got water from a cup. there was a baby i probably held for 4 hours straight while i fed and held other kids, i don' t know the name or age but i'm guessing a very tiny 9mos old? there was a blind older child from malnutrition and a really really sick 2-3 yr old with kwashiorkor, a massively edematous belly and feet. he let me rub his palms. all of the staff was so well intentioned but there were few of them and so many children.

having adventures when what i really want is sleep

the last few days i have been just exhausted. bring-tears-to-your-eyes exhausted. and then i think about all the work i have left to do and it makes me want to cry all over again. i know my hold on your sympathy is precarious, if indeed there is any for me at all. after all, i am an infertile with a BFP, so i'm lucky. and i know i am, even though it doesn't really make me want to cry less.

this friday i'm going to haiti on a medical outreach trip, so there will be radio silence for a week until i come back. the suitcase is filled, and i haven't yet packed any clothes. i think this is a problem. between meals, snacks, gifts for my hosts, tp, baby wipes and the veritable pharmacy i am bringing with me (including 2 injectable meds with associated paraphenalia, mind you) there's no room left for clothes. frick. my mom is convinced (and has zero reservation about telling me, very very frequently in fact) that i should not go, and that going will cause either m/c or birth defects. she says i shouldn't go in the 1st trimester because "all of the organs are forming." which is true, but so what? it also means if i actually do m/c or have a baby with defects, i will never be able to look at her again because i know she'll think it's my fault. always, somewhere in my mind i'll be thinking that somewhere in HER mind is the idea that the trip caused it. i have my RE's blessing...my mom can bite it for now.

i have the hb scan the week i get back, on 3/5. i am nervous as hell for that. i'm going with my sister so at least i have that going for me...she's an excellent support person. i'm not sure if i should wear earplugs and close my eyes and just have j tell me in the car on the way home how it went or what. otoh, if it goes badly i'll probably want to have some conversation with the poor resident about what comes next. so, i am very glad my sis is going with me but i am NOT looking forward to the appointment. yet, i can't just not go either, or my brain would explode from angst. sounds like fun, eh? bet you wish YOU were on my little brain hamster wheel.

notes about haiti from hereFACTS ABOUT HAITI:
Haiti's ecology has been significantly damaged since its independence in 1804. Only 7% of the country's original forest remains unscathed by deforestation. Most of the trees have been cut down and used as firewood for heating and cooking. Some wood has been sold to surrounding island nations to provide much needed income. Massive soil erosion has also occurred due to the vast amount of deforestation. Thus, much of the soil in Haiti has been depleted of vital minerals.

Most of the water in Haiti is also polluted. This includes parts of the coastal areas, such as the Bay of Port-au-Prince, and most of the major ports and some coastal towns. The water throughout the country is nonpotable.

holding back

my husband lives in sc but is coming up this weekend. we haven't gone out yet to celebrate the bfp; in fact, i was so sure i was m/c'ing a few days ago i called him to tell him it was done. after the beta doubled i said when he came up we should go out to celebrate the bfp. but almost immediately after the words left my lips i regretted them. maybe it is a mistake to celebrate because what if i m/c? what if there's no hb at the ultrasound? we should do nothing to commemmorate it--at least until i get a hb--because what if there isn't one? that would make the whole thing a farce, and celebrating it obscene.

on the other hand, if there isn't a hb, i'll be destroyed whether or not we go out to dinner this weekend. and if i only get a few days/wks of this, shouldn't i at least *try* not to be morbid and enjoy myself, if only for a little while? if it doesn't continue (or even if it does) will i have wasted it completely by spending the whole time expecting disaster?

how do i let go enough to acknowledge (and maybe celebrate) that something momentous happened...but also hold back enough that something of me is left if it all goes to hell? i can't find the balance between holding on and letting go and i need to do both to get through the next few weeks.

it would be nice if i could just go to sleep and wake up 12 wks from now and someone could tell me how it went instead of plodding through it all day after day.

222

today's beta was 222. according to betabase, that's a doubling time of 41.2 hrs. betabase says the average beta for a singleton pregnancy is 196 at 16dpo and the average doubling time is 37.4 but who's obsessing?

*exhales*

i thought for sure i was going to m/c last night because i was so frikking horribly crampy. today is reprieve. it's far from over but at least i got this far. i'm not going for a 3rd beta, so i'm going to assume PUPO, goddamnit, and not see them again until the hb scan. god willing and the creek don't rise, that's the next time i'll go to the clinic.

thanks so much for all your well wishes and good vibes and keep your fingers crossed for me.

anxious, nervous

bah! i'm so anxious for tomorrow's beta. i keep trying to tell myself NOT to be nervous because it won't help and nothing's gone wrong yet so far. plus, if i only get two days to be p-word, i might as well enjoy them, right? plus i worry that being anxious might make me miscarry which is a mindf*ck beyond all mindf*cks. either it will double or it won't. if it doesn't it doesn't necessarily mean its over, and if it does i'm far from out of the woods. bah.

my mental state right now=not too good.

beta

today i'm 11dp3dt or 14dpo
my beta is 99.
this number is exactly average for singletons and on the low side for multiples

cross your fingers for me for 200 or GREATER on weds. (please please please)

24 hrs in peesticks

beta #1 tomorrow...



this was yesterday morning at 9dp3dt. if you squint at it like i did, you can just baaarely make out the second line. it didn't come up right away and at first i thought it was negative. i peed on it, waited, the control line popped right up. and then nothing. i just had this pit in my stomach, trying to talk myself out of it, the advantages; i can sleep late, i learned so much this cycle it wasn't a total waste, the culdocentesis makes a great story for my friends (right?) etc...when i went back a few minutes later there was just a hint of a line, but it was there.

this was this morning at 10dp3dt. i think the line's just a little darker and maybe it came up a smidge faster, but still light. i'd like to thank leah for her idea of writing the times on the sticks.

for comparison

and finally...because i've been peeing on things right, left and forward (the cats are getting nervous)...

9dp3dt or 12dpo

there's a tiny faint line, but i see it. if i pee on something later and it's still there, i'll post a picture.

****nervous****

worth a thousand words? (updated)

i was wondering how they did it...now i know!

i'm headed back tomorrow to see if enough fluid came back to warrant a repeat culdocentesis. i'm actually feeling alot better which is good, but also makes me nervous, since WORSENING symptoms is a sign of pregnancy whereas symptoms resolve with a bfn.

mind you, i'm still bloated as all get out, but there's no denying i feel better. alot less vomiting and diarrhea, and i don't have as nearly much fluid as before.

i never thought i'd feel so bad about feeling better.

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so, my appt this am went reasonably well, besides the 2hr wait. i've still got some free fluid in the abd, but not enough to warrant a tap. i was instructed to eat salty things and drink gatorade and take lov.enox (OUCH! there's a painful shot) for the next several weeks. they don't think the fluid will need to be drained again, but they will if i need it.

i'm 6dp3dt and starting to want to pee on things. but i'm also trying my best to hold off the madness, because once it starts all i can think about is peeing on sticks. they said getting better doesn't mean the cycle didn't work, but i also wonder if they say that to everyone. ahh, mindgames of the 2ww. so lovely.

i forgot to mention; the other embryos did not make it to freeze. they were either in the morula (pre-blast) stage on day 5 so the clinic did not keep them, or they arrested at morula stage on day 5. not sure which.

paracentesis

the fun, it just never stops. increasing nausea, vomiting, diarrhea. inability to walk upright. tightness in my chest, and my skin felt like it was going to split. last night was just awful; i couldn't get comfortable and woke up at 2am in agony. i almost went to the ER but decided to wait til the morning if i could, and i did.

this morning i went into the clinic and they drained 2.5 liters (over 6lbs) of fluid off my abdomen. the relief was instantaneous. however they told me the fluid would probably come back, and said i might need to come back tuesday for another go. they warned i'd be really hungry and thirsty after the drain, but right now the nausea and bowel symptoms are keeping the hunger at bay.