update

sorry for the long absence! every now and again (actually, just recently for the first time) i have a crisis of conciousness regarding my blog. it started out as a loss/IF blog, and then after the sucessful IVF cycle it sort of morphed into one of the few places i could unload my utterly all-consuming 'when-will-i-miscarry' dread.

i'm right now between 22 and 23wks, and it has started to occur to me that this could possibly happen. i'm jubilant about making it this far, but don't really want to post much in that vein because a) i'm concerned that the fertility god is so ornerny that giving voice to my internal celebration might be met with 'HOW DARE YOU' type old-testament retribution for my haughtiness. also b) what about our sisters still fighting the IF fight? i don't want to be disrespectful. finally c) there are things here and there i'd like to complain about (frikking WICKED A$$ heartburn, for one, and sciatica as a legacy of continued PIO shots for another) but does that take away from my greatfulness? i get caught up in loops and find it hard to post.

regarding my earlier post, i had not thought of the "birth" until recently. and then when i did think about it, my head was populated with images of poorly-trained, sleep-deprived, hero-complexed residents at the military hospital slicing open my perineum with rusty scissor blades and yanking on poor Bean's little head with whatever instrumentation happened to be handy: forceps, vacuum, shoe horn, etc. i eventually found a midwife practice in the area that took my insurance and who i believed would not unnecessarily instrumentate (a word?) my poor hoo-ha or Bean's skull. and now i think i may be moving in about a month to six weeks to accomodate a job. so, brand-new city, and starting all over again with trying to locate providers. le sigh. i wish i could magic the baby out when that time comes.