Not How I Planned It (hope it will be OK): getting way way way ahead of myself

today i was on a parenting board where a bunch of parents (only mothers, actually) were talking about how much work they had to do and how little support they get. stories abounded about fathers coming home from work and heading straight to the computer with nary a glance at the baby; of dads staying up late watching movies and then sleeping in the next morning while the mom was up with the baby all night; of offering to 'babysit' their own children for a few hours while mom gets some rest; of being mad at being left with the baby alone for a few hours while mom goes grocery shopping etc. now, mind you, i am aware that this thread was a rant, and that i was only hearing one side of it.

but UGH. it depresses me because i figure that if those women were divorced, they might end up with more help on average, or at least more free time. this is because the father would have visitation without the mother around. meaning, he would have to figure out a way to deal with the baby during his visitation, and she would have a set period of time in which she couldn't deal with the baby even if she wanted to. i start freaking out thinking about my overwhelmed and overworked future self and start planning the ways to prevent that from happening to me. images of signed antenatal agreements and firm contractual obligations dance through my head.

which, of course, is utter and complete lunacy. i have zero kids and i'm not pregnant nor am i in the process of adopting. i might not ever have this problem. who knows, maybe cl and i might be one of the (seemingly few) couples who actually manage to have shared childcare responsibilties that suit both partners. on the other hand, i could have a medically fragile kid who spends 3 mos in the NICU and i would give anything to be up at night doing the majority of the babycare because at least i'd be doing it and not his/her nurses. i could have a kid with a major disability that required even MORE work than i can currently even fathom. i could never have any kids at all.

i also recognize that seeing my mom utterly overwhelmed and miserable for years on end probably has more to do with my huge irrational fear of being overwhelmed with childcare responsiblities than anything that is going on in my current situation. i will say this for her...she got it done. she stepped in and deserves much credit. on the other hand, i would never EVER want to be in a situation as lonely and overwhelming as hers was. if my options were doing it all myself or never having kids, i'm not sure what i'd choose.

i also think i should worry about things that are more immediately pressing, like, where is my checkbook? where will i work next year? why am i not either a) buying exercise equipment or b) joining a gym? is this round of IVF going to work? i realized in the car today on my way to women's health clinical that even in the best circumstances, IVF doesn't work >50% of the time. that means the default is that it WON'T work. interesting, nu? i feel like right now i'm OK with it not working, but i wonder how many IVF cycles i'll be willing to try. 2? 4? 6??? and there i am again, getting way way way ahead of myself.

on to much better topics
my godnephews ryanbear...