good news

clinic called...ant.agon and meno.pur tonight, sono and b/w tomorrow, hcg tomorrow night, retrieval monday? nobody said the c-word.

e2 for this morning: 6890. which is i guess what happens with 45 follicles. the doc this morning said (with a straight face, mind you) 'we're going to have to watch you for overstimulation.' ummm...ya think?

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in very sad news, please go give your support to the mama of lennox and zoe, who suffered a devastating loss today.

fun with e2

i'm waiting on today's level, which is likely to be in excess of 6,000. how can this be, since i stopped stims yesterday and am essentially coasting? because this morning there were 45 (!!!!) follicles between 10 and 18. i had 30 on the right (up from 18 follies two days ago)
2--18
4--17
1--16
2--15
2--14
and a bunch smaller.

the left, which had 8 two days ago, has 15.
2--17's
2--15's
2--14's
1--13
1--11
6--10's
1--9

they are going to call me tonight with the plan, but i picked up an ant.agon shot...has anyone ever used this to lower e2?

at least no one mentioned cancellation which i am of course really worried about. ptu! ptu! ptu! ward off the evil eye.

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i actually mostly feel ok except my abdomen feels bloated and tender. like, when my right heel hits the floor when i'm walking, i can feel it in my right lower abdomen. same on the left. also the weight gain, and general slovenliness. but i'm trying not to complain or say anything because i DONT WANT THE CYCLE *whispers* cancelled . PLeasE! i don't even know if i can explain how devastated i would be. :(

coasting

today's e2 is 4,712...about 50% up from yesterday, but that's actually better...it was up 150% between mon and wed. b/w and sono tomorrow. no meds tonight except the lu.pron. worried that my poor follies will starve for want of fsh (plus unopposed lu.pron is no fun) but i'll take that over some of the other alternatives.

"like gangbusters" (updated)

RE referring to, of course, mighty righty. i am on day 7 of stims, including today, cd 10. i have 18 (!!) follies on the right, i think i had one 14, 5-6 13's, 5-6 11's and a smattering of littles.

i had 6 on the left, 2 11's, a 9, and 3 6's.

apparently, at least the right, responds well to stims. now we know.

he said they like the e2 to be about 200pg/dl on day 5 of stims, and mine was 3x that. so depending on what today's e2 is determines what happens next. for now they cut the dose of stims again, so i'm on 1/2 dose of bra.velle + full dose lu.pron in the am, and full dose bra.velle and full dose lu.pron in the evening. they want me to come in tomorrow AM for bloodwork but i'm trying to push it to friday because i have class an hour and a half away from the clinic at 0830. so i'd have to get to the clinic at 6am. and let us say...BOOOOO!

based in the info so far, it looks like retrieval (aka big sharp pointy stick in the vadge) sunday or monday. i've yet to find a compounding pharmacy in the area for my PIO, so that's my next chore.

what are the odds that LJ my cycle sistah and chaperone, would have her own date with the vag.inal needle of doom on the same day? crazy.
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ummm, OK. my e2 is 2958. i have to go get my bw tomorrow and i'm sure retrieval won't be later than monday.

MEH

my baseline was 5 days ago and my e2 was 12pg/dl, which is a good level for beginning stims. today, after 5 days of stims, my e2 is 973pg/dl...which is high. it's very hard to find good ranges for what an e2 should be after 5 days of stims and day 8 of the cycle (and if you know of any, please let me know!) but from what i can gather, the acceptable range is from 100pg/dl to 500pg/dl at this point. so i'm to continue the lu.pron and bra.velle at current doses and stop the men.opur.

in other cycle news, i think i gained 5lbs in one week. so, that plus the high e2 of course i'm all worried about OHSS, and having the cycle cancelled, and other completely undesireable outcomes. i feel like i can feel my right ovary (the good responder). but now i can't tell if i can feel it, or if i just think i can because i'm all freaked out. meh MEH meh.

things your dr doesn't tell you about eyeveeff cycles

1--there will be bloating

2--and water retention

3--not to mention weight gain

4--and you can kiss goodbye any semblance of bowel normalcy you may have had prior to the art cycle. your farts are now equal parts involuntary, plentiful and deadly. they resemble nothing so much as chemical eff YOU from your poor beleaguered abdomen against all other living beings, and may, in fact, clear a room (strategy for dealing with said stinkbombs: deny, deny deny. the truth takes too long).

i feel like, somehow, i didn't know or no one mentioned that my relationship with my midsection would be completely different in a rather unpleasant way. besides the fact that i'm sticking needles into that poor bastard 2x/day. at least right now i'm visiting CL for the weekend, so he can take up some of the jabbing that needs to be done. he gets to shoot me in my back fat, which is really glamorous for all involved.

baseline=groggy

well, i had my baseline appt at zero-dark-thirty in the morning today, all the more special because i finished clinical at 2am the night before. the baseline was everything i hoped and more. i got venipunctured, dildocammed, and "chaperoned" by an obliging stranger that i picked up in the waiting room, just as they said i would. "himynameislauraiknowwevenevermetbut..." actually, i was sort of glad i did have a chaperone today. i had a lovely and patient dr, one who i've actually seen before which is a rarity at my clinic. he did one or two of our IUI's and he's really soft spoken and gentle.

these are good qualities, except when the problem is not being able to find your left ovary. my right ovary was very cooperative. it was right where it was supposed to be, and i think i had maybe 20 antral follicles. in the past when i've triggered i've almost always felt it on the right side. the left was just nowhere in sight. and really, the minutes do seem like DAYS when the legs are up and the dildocam is in. finally, failing to find the ovary with more conservative measures, he pushed on my stomach right above the pubic bone on the left, apparently hoping to scare my anatomy into place. i couldn't help but flinch. and i was suddenly, momentarily, very glad for the chaperone. thankfully, the ovary then decided to make a grand entrance and demonstrated it's near lack of follicles, clear disinterest in the process at hand, and whispered off behind a loop of bowel from whence it came.

then i was the chaperone for the stranger, who, coincidentally enough, also had a hiding left ovary. she got the same abdominal treatment i did, apparently to less spectacular results. the doc asked her if she'd ever had abd surgery and she responded 'only the tubal ligation, and then the reversal.' some little evil part of my brain immediately thought: 'well, it's obvious why she needs IVF, what the hell am I doing here?' the doc did eventually find her left ovary as well.

i then got a tentative schedule (the best part of all this so far). i start lupron and stims on thursday, back for more blood work next monday, and more bloodwork and an u/s next weds. tentative retrieval 2 wks from today. i argued passionately that as i give people injections nearly daily, i should be able to skip the injection class tomorrow at buttfugearly. the class won't help the mental block that comes with giving yourself shots and that's really the only part i need help with. thankfully, i was excused. i'll spend my hooky day smoking cigarettes and buying black lipstick, just like i know i should :).

i found out a short while ago (when we were paying the bill, actually...HA! Suprise!) that the clinic has automatically slotted us into the ICSI category because we are using a previously frozen sample. i talked to them about it today and they said that with a frozen sample, there's a 90% chance they'll do ICSI but it isn't 100% positive. i'm having a hard time with the ICSI thing. it seems that if they do ICSI, then whoever is the dr working that day is literally choosing our future child(ren). how do they pick? cutest sperm? fastest swimmer? only boys on tuesdays, only girls on wednesdays? i know it's stupid, but i'm BLAH about ICSI at the moment. it has it's place, and i can totally see myself a year from now typing in something about how ICSI is our last great hope, but for now it sorta weirds me out. it would be nice if the union of sperm and egg were not medically directed, even though most everything else in this process leading up to the union is.

there is some unmitigated good news in all this though: my last bcp was actually sunday night, since due to the short night i forgot to take yesterday's pill. SWEET!

i know they are good for female kind but...

i *hate* being on the pill. seriously, it makes me feel like hammered poo. i don't know how i was on it for 15+ yrs (HA!) because it makes me nauseous and starving all at the same time. eating helps neither the nausea, nor the hunger. delightful. i didn't notice it before, but i guess in the 3 or so years i've been off the pill, i've recalibrated. and then, of course, there's the rich irony of being on the pill in and of itself.

i'm going to switch to taking it right before bed and see if that helps. cheeky bastards.

are you grateful to your parents?

i just saw sib*erian a*doption story on DHC and one of the couples portrayed seemed very very odd. besides the weird obsession with a blonde haired, blue eyed "american looking" kid (what does an american kid look like anyway?), they kept referencing the 35K they spent and how they were 'rescuing' their adopted daughter from her otherwise reduced circumstances. they took pictures of their daughter's homeland so that they would have visual evidence of the favor they provided her by adopting her.

now, i'm sure it is infinitely better to be raised in a family than in an orphanage. but i think that couple expecting their child to be grateful she was adopted by them is just a tad bit unrealistic. infants have no say in their birth or adoption. it just happens to them, the same as it happens to all babies. when was the last time anyone gave thanks to their *biological* parents for just being born? or for not being 40X poorer or twice as crazy as they were? seriously, all our parents are crazy, but they could have been a hell of a lot crazier, and then where would you be? if you expect the adopted child to be grateful for her adoption, then you must yourself be grateful for the circumstances of your birth...that you were born to relative priveledge in america and not to, say, a drug addicted sex worker on the streets of bangladesh. now, go give your biological parents a sincere, heartfelt thank you for creating you and not being worse than they were, and THEN maybe you can start wanting your adopted kids to start feeling grateful for their 'rescue.'

people's circumstances are what they are. all of us could have been born/adopted into better or worse, just as easily.

that couple sounded very concerned that after their 35K spent etc. that their teenage daughter would resent them and go looking for her "real" mother. i think if they spend her upbringing hoping she'll be grateful for her adoption, they may actually create that which they most fear.

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i also have a feeling that if i ever do have bio kids and i demand that they be grateful to me for the fact of being born at all because of all the time and heartbreak and expense and invasive vaginal procedures with cold steely probes at zero-dark-thirty in the morning and nowhere to park etc. involved with concieving them in the first place (to say nothing of carrying/delivering etc) well, i think they would be justified in saying 'i never asked you to do any of that!' which is 100% true.
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on a completely unrelated note, look at that cute little baby tushie!!! my teeth hurt it's so sweet :)

getting way way way ahead of myself

today i was on a parenting board where a bunch of parents (only mothers, actually) were talking about how much work they had to do and how little support they get. stories abounded about fathers coming home from work and heading straight to the computer with nary a glance at the baby; of dads staying up late watching movies and then sleeping in the next morning while the mom was up with the baby all night; of offering to 'babysit' their own children for a few hours while mom gets some rest; of being mad at being left with the baby alone for a few hours while mom goes grocery shopping etc. now, mind you, i am aware that this thread was a rant, and that i was only hearing one side of it.

but UGH. it depresses me because i figure that if those women were divorced, they might end up with more help on average, or at least more free time. this is because the father would have visitation without the mother around. meaning, he would have to figure out a way to deal with the baby during his visitation, and she would have a set period of time in which she couldn't deal with the baby even if she wanted to. i start freaking out thinking about my overwhelmed and overworked future self and start planning the ways to prevent that from happening to me. images of signed antenatal agreements and firm contractual obligations dance through my head.

which, of course, is utter and complete lunacy. i have zero kids and i'm not pregnant nor am i in the process of adopting. i might not ever have this problem. who knows, maybe cl and i might be one of the (seemingly few) couples who actually manage to have shared childcare responsibilties that suit both partners. on the other hand, i could have a medically fragile kid who spends 3 mos in the NICU and i would give anything to be up at night doing the majority of the babycare because at least i'd be doing it and not his/her nurses. i could have a kid with a major disability that required even MORE work than i can currently even fathom. i could never have any kids at all.

i also recognize that seeing my mom utterly overwhelmed and miserable for years on end probably has more to do with my huge irrational fear of being overwhelmed with childcare responsiblities than anything that is going on in my current situation. i will say this for her...she got it done. she stepped in and deserves much credit. on the other hand, i would never EVER want to be in a situation as lonely and overwhelming as hers was. if my options were doing it all myself or never having kids, i'm not sure what i'd choose.

i also think i should worry about things that are more immediately pressing, like, where is my checkbook? where will i work next year? why am i not either a) buying exercise equipment or b) joining a gym? is this round of IVF going to work? i realized in the car today on my way to women's health clinical that even in the best circumstances, IVF doesn't work >50% of the time. that means the default is that it WON'T work. interesting, nu? i feel like right now i'm OK with it not working, but i wonder how many IVF cycles i'll be willing to try. 2? 4? 6??? and there i am again, getting way way way ahead of myself.

on to much better topics
my godnephews ryanbear...



...and andrew (doing his best jazzhands...he also does a mean zoolander 'blue steel')

NYE edition

and a happy 2008
TO YOU :)

i would post pictures of my nephews (who are just so redonkulously fabulously adorable) but i forgot the cable that connects the camera to the computer in CA so pictures will have to wait a week.

2008 should be an interesting year. On tap:
**i will graduate (HA!!! hopefully anyway).
**i will be able to live with my spouse full-time for the first time in a long time...neat, huh?
**i will probably find a job (check that: i'd BETTER find a job...which probably also means i should start looking for one. le sigh.)
**i'm going to haiti for a week in february to help with ongoing medical relief efforts there.
**i start round 1 of IVF in janury.

speaking of IVF, my baseline appt: 1/15. i'm currently on BCP which means i've had my period for 'round about 3 wks now and let me tell you, the lustre is quite starting to wear off. the clinic is also badgering me about showing up to appts with a "chaperone", but since the appointments are 630a-830a i really don't see that happening on a routine basis. plus, why is the onus on me to provide one, when they are requiring it for basically their own protection? the only person that i could rightly harass about "chaperoning" me is my husband, who is currently activated military in another state. and as they are a clinic that serves military families, is it crazy to think they should have considered that contingency? i said as much to the IVF nurse coordinator who said their contingency plan is that i meet someone in the waiting room and then needle my newfound aquaintance into acting as my chaperone. yeah, because that won't be uncomfortable for all parties involved AT ALL (..."i know we've only just met, but would you mind coming back with me to watch as the dr pokes at my bits and pieces with steely instruments?") i guess if seeing someone's naked hoo-ha 5 minutes after meeting them isn't the cement that long-lasting friendships are built on, well then, ladies, what is?

oh, i forgot...

i'm a b*tch. i'm only telling this to YOU dear computer because i know you won't judge. right? ....right?

i have a friend inside the computer who got pg after 6 mos ttc. she got her bfp 3-4 days ago. she has ALREADY posted a ticker, made plans for future sonograms and is checking out maternity clothes. she's, like, 15dpo at this point. WTH? what kind of hubris is that? seriously! i wish i didn't find it so annoying, but i do.

le sigh.

and on a different note: this is just like rocco in appearance and deed. bad cat!

holding pattern

sorry for the long delay in posts. i survived the end of the semester (it was touch and go there for a while) and am now here in LA helping my sis with the nephews. they are both so funny. they express displeasure by coughing, farting and vomiting (as well as screaming, of course) and i have to admire the full body approach they take. its one thing to be upset, but they *really* commit to it.

i think i'm getting a sore throat from the sleep deprivation which is kind of pathetic, considering j has been going on consistently less sleep for far longer.

andrew enjoys an US Weekly (and who doesn't?)

ryan is snug as a bug in a rug (his nickname is the siren...not that you could tell from this pic).


in IVF news, baseline appt is scheduled for 1/15.

knocked up (the movie, not me)

came across the following very interesting articles today while i should be studying :)

this article on slate discusses how 'knocked up' is just a little bit sexist. and it exactly describes how i felt after seeing the film...it was hilarious but i felt a little squeamish about how different the fun loving ben was portrayed as opposed to the straight laced alison or the shrewish debbie. i think this article raises a critical point...with every story that is told, you have to look at who is doing the telling. in this case, judd aptow is behind the camera and it's ben's story he's telling, its him that you're rooting for in the end. i think it becomes problematic when you assume that it's THE story being told. it isn't. it's ben's story, and aptow does an OK job at putting a little bit of alison's story in. but his portrayal of alison's story has nowhere near the subtlety and humor of ben's. so my point (yes i have one) is this: when watching something it is critical to keep in mind WHO is doing the telling, because that affects the story told. who is behind the lens, and who is in front of it?

this article addresses how alison never really considered abortion as an option. fascinating, actually, considering she barely knows ben, doubts his commitment to adulthood, and is financially dependent (living with her sister).

and this NYT article is an offshoot of the above, i found it interesting. it is from 2004 and discusses how 40% of women have had an abortion, but no one talks about it. i guess it hides in the same space as miscarriage, which is also very common but no one talks about in the public sphere. i'd even venture to say the silence is worse regarding abortion, because of the value judgements involved: miscarriage is passive, whereas abortion is active.

shall we dance?

so, i canceled my rotation in oregon on friday, scheduled to begin next month. it doesn't sound like much, but the whole oregon thing has been a saga for the last 9 mos. to wit:

in march '07 i made plans to do a family practice rotation in oregon in january '08.

in march i got bfp.
--debated cancelling
chemical shortly thereafter,
---oregon plans left intact.

april:
bfp again following clomid + IUI
--spent april and the beginning of may wondering if i should cancel. figured it was only prudent since how would i get from the right coast to the left coast at 36 or so weeks, assuming everything went as planned? airline travel is certainly discouraged...driving would take 3 days at best one way. and then i'd have to find a hospital out there just in case i went a few wks early. yet didn't want to cancel because what if i m/c'd? decided that i was being morbid, wasn't giving the pregnancy my mental all if i *planned* for a m/c (i.e. not cancelling plans). needed to operate under the assumption of success, at least until proven otherwise. that is the mentally healthy way, right?
---cancelled oregon, claimed conflicting family schedule

m/c late may

july:
contacted oregon health services again, once it was no longer possible for january to be an issue in terms of traveling while in 3rd trimester.
--informed funding no longer available.

september:
oregon rural health contacts me to say that funding is available again, would i like to do rotation in january as previously planned? i alter my plans to visit sister in jan and enthusiastically agree. oregon back on. make plans for preceptorship, travel, accomodations etc.

november:
following yet another chemical following yet another clomid + IUI, clinic moves me into IVF track. next IVF cycle? you got it: january.

december:
spend two weeks trying to figure out whether there is any way to do both jan rotation and jan IVF. unable to pin clinic down in terms of exact dates for baseline, upon which everything else depends. finally give up and cancel rotation. again. 3 wks in advance of scheduled travel. feel like a total a$$.

though it will make me murderously insanely gloweringly mad to hear it, since i've cancelled my trip and all, i'm half expecting the clinic to call and say they can't take me in january after all, for any of a variety of different reasons. it IS par for the course, no?

i think the clinic is south and east of here

so, IVF orientation was yesterday. i was oriented to several important facts.

a. clinic appt times are between 6:45-8:30 in the morning. ALL of them. so, that should be loads of fun for the dark wintery mornings. sigh.

b. if you are under 39, you will get one or two embryos.

c. if somehow you end up with 3+ gestations and you want to reduce, they support that decision but will not offer the reduction because they are a gov't facility blah blah blah happy to refer you elsewhere blah blah blah. oh, and the insurance doesn't cover it either.

d. birth control starts next cd 2, whenever that is, for all 40 of us sitting in the room.

e. no baseline appointment yet.

f. if you want a baseline appt, you will pay us a deposit. today. we take checks, mastercard, discover, visa, blood, sweat and tears.

so that was that. i paid them the money, and a little bit of my sanity with it, just for good measure. they said we'd hear by the end of the week as to when the baseline appts would be. of course, i haven't heard anything yet so i start the phone nagging tomorrow. i guess i should also cancel oregon tomorrow.

yesterday my clinical got canceled because of the snow so i went home and took a nap at 7:30pm and woke up this morning. i slept 13 hrs straight. rip van winklette, that's me.

i amuse myself

fark.com